Pagtrader: News Page! Give us your money!
Recently, on Astan 27th, 2080, the Federal Gold Reserves (FGR) in New Oog of Scuton were robbed by a large (about the size of your grotesque 400kg mother) man clad in full medieval armor who was also riding on horseback, carrying a large lance. He was accompanied by several similarly clothed accomplices blaring trumpets and playing lutes. The man entered the FGR by running straight through the door on his horse and demanded all the money in the building. Cops were called instantly, but the horse riding man had already broken past the several gaurds which were stationed around the vaults as his accomplices brought out longbows and greatswords. Security footage shows the gaurds running from the group of five perpatrators as they raid the facility. Audio recordings from afformentioned security footage reveal that the group was speaking in Middle Ung, a language spoken in northern Elephoi from the 1200s to the 1400s. The 119 dispatcher at the office in New Oog City (where the reserves are located) failed to dispatch any police officers to the location of the FGR, as they beleived the call to be a prank, simply due to the absurdity of it. This dispatcher has since been fired. Back inside the buildings, the group of medieval ruffians and scallywags had broken into the main vault. They had done this in a similarly medieval way, by bringing a large tree log and screaming "USE THE BATTERING RAM." Once inside the main vaults, the group loaded up their horses with a total of approximately around about more or less than one billion New Oog Groinks or about two billion freedom bucks for you weird americans. After raiding several more vaults, the group rode into the sunset singing tradition folk song "Twelve Oogas Chasing Me." The group has not been found despite in-depth searches of surrounding forests, including the usage of Lidar and helicopters. Witnesses describe the perpatrators as all standing around 4'11" to 5'3" in height, and having wild blond hair. Those with information regarding the whereabouts of the group should call the New Oog City Police Office at 244(123) 4567 8910.
Pagtrader News will not be reporting on updates to this case, because we are lazy.